Tears on his Guitar
by xXrainbowTrexkittyRAWRXx
Summary: Billy's body has been stolen from its grave, and only Spencer and Rajeev can help him get it back. On the way they have amazing sexual adventures and meet new friends to help in their journey. Can they get his body back in time? Ectofeature, MysteriousIndian, ZaDr, and many other ships. Lemon BoyxBoy yaoi DONT LIKE DONT READ
1. Stolen!

**Tears on his Guitar**

A songfic

Billy Joe Cobra opened his eyes for the last time. The doctor standing over him kept screaming his name, "BJC! BJC! Stay with me! Don't die on me now!" He yelled, then slammed down the paddles on his chest and shocked him again. His body jolted as the electricity coursed through his limp, noodly body. Not even peanutbutter could save him now. Smooth peanutbutter.

Everyone gathered around the rich and famous popstar began singing BJC's latest love song, How Can I Live Without Me, as he slowly closed his eyes. He was dying.

His last breath of air left out his dry, cracked, dead lips and a bright light overcame him.

"What's going on?" He asked, not sure if he was still tripping acid.

"BJC," A loud voice boomed. "You are DEAD!"

"Morgan Freeman? Is that you?" He asked, shielding his eyes from the bright light.

"No, you BUTTHOLE! I am GOD!"

"Is this heaven?" He asked, looking around. "Is this… broheaven?" Mountains of smooth peanutbutter surrounded him. It truely was paradise. Little naked babies were playing in a lake of chocolate milk, splashing and giggling like little babies do.

"Come join us, BJC," they teased.

He was so excited he nearly shat himself and began crying tears of joy. "The only thing that could make this better is if my little second cousin Spencer were here!"

Suddenly, out of nowhere, God smackcammed him out heaven yelling "DO IT FOR THE VINE!" as BJC's ghost rocketed down to HELL.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" BJC screamed as he plummeted down into the black pit. He began flying back up until he'd made it back to earth and was from then on a wandering, restless spirit among the living, searching for his purpose in the afterlife.

**10 YEARS LATER**

Newspaper headline: The body of the Late Superstar, BJC, has been STOLEN!

Spencer Wright woke up early one Monday morning feeling particularly groggy. He looked over at his screaming alarm clock, and groaned as it was time for him to wake up and get ready to go to his day job of working on a police force. Years before he had given up his dream of being a director for a couple of joints from a dirty hobo he met in college. His life had become a downward spiral of drug abuse ever since. In order to lessen his feelings of guilt, he turned to a life of crime fighting.

He sat up and rubbed his eyes, then stared out his dirty bedroom window. The sun was just beginning to rise and over the tall buildings up the high rises around him. Two dogs were fighting over some left out garbage by the back alley where his window was. They growled and barked and howled at each other, and once the garbage had been torn to shreds by the two dogs, one mounted the other and began humping.

Spencer watched them, and couldn't help but feel captivated by the scene unfolding in front of him. He took out his crappy camcorder from when he was nine years old, the one with the alien ufo stickers on it, DO YOU BELIEVE?, and began to record. Filming stray dogs getting it on was his only companion in his lonely, regretful life. That and the ghost of BJC, who was in his shower, using up all the hot water.

"Hey, Bromethius," BJC's ghost called. "Where's the soap?"

Spencer made no attempt at reply. He just went on, filming the dogs in heat, then took out a bottle of prozac from his nightstand and dry swallowed two of them. The daily grind.

"BROMETHIUS," BJC screamed when no reply came. "THE SOAp."

Spencer went to the kitchen so he could have some cereal and milk before heading off to his horrible desk job as a secretary at the police station. He had yet to be promoted to the force because the police chief thought he was kinda gay. And kinda gay he was!

He didn't like to admit it, but he had a serious BROner for his second cousin (**a/n**: lol! bro puns!)

He went to the door to get yesterday's mail because the night before he had spent at a bar getting shit faced with Rajeev, and passed out in his doorway the second he got home. The daily grind.

In his stack of bills and late fees, was yesterday's newspaper. He glanced at the headline as he drank his black coffee. Almost as black as the bags under his eyes. And his soul. He did a comical spit take and then pressed the print to his eyes to see it better.

"WHUT? BILLY'S BODY'S BEEN STOLEN?" He couldn't believe it. "It's like ten years old! That's hella nasty!"

Billy's ghost phased through the bathroom wall then, wrapped in nothing but a towel and some of that cool green face stuff. "What's going on?" He inquired. "I heard you screaming!"

Spencer had to sit down to keep from passing out from shock. "Why would they want your body?"

"Who doesn't want my body?" BJC asked, striking a promiscuous pose. Spencer nearly got a nosebleed looking at him.

"Someone dug up your body from the super rich and famous popstar cemetery!" He said, picking up his mug of coffee once more. He sipped it and nearly did another spit take when he began reading the details on page 5. "It happened just last night! They say someone snuck into the cemetery shrouded in darkness, and snatched up the body of the late popstar, BJC!"

"No way!" BJC yelled, the facial mask flying off of his face. He flew around and snatched up the newspaper. "I made the front cover! This can be like BJC's return!"

"More like return from the dead!" Spencer cried, then stood, grabbed his coat, put on some pants left by the door, his camcorder, and ran out the door.

The same dogs from before were now gangfucking a cat by his front step, but Spencer didn't have time to film them, as he was now a man on a mission from GOD. He Jumped on his really sweet motorcycle, BJC hopped on the back and rode him (**a/n**: lol XD Xp) all the way to the police station.

They rode on the motorcycle for what felt like hours, but was only ten short minutes before they arrived at the Beverly Heights Police Station. Spencer parked, and BJC went ahead and phased through the wall into the station so he could listen in on the juicy corpse details. Spencer used the front door because he's alive. He then went to his desk to begin filing papers for his emotionally abusive boss.

Lolo Calorie had been his boss for about 5 years and took every chance she had at making his life a miserable hell. One day she even made him lick up pudding he spilled in her office. No one would ever let him forget the pudding accident of '95. (**a/n**: because it takes place in the 90's)

She came out of the back then, her body a fat husk of what it once was. "SPENCER!" She yelled, lighting a cigarette. "Did you get my files organized yet?"

"Yes, Miss Calorie," he said, handing her the file off his desk. "I heard the news about BJC's body. Why did you not tell me before I had to find out form today's newspaper?"

Lolo cursed, "Motherfucker, how do those reporters always find out about our cases?" She gave him a hard look and exhaled smoke in his eyes. He'd had to get glasses from how many times she'd done that over the past 6 years. The glass couldn't even protect him the smoke and his eyes watered and burned.

She took her cigar out of her mouth and dropped some ash onto his desk, leaving another burn mark.

"I think because The Cobra was so close to me when he was alive," Spencer said, glancing over at BJC's invisible ghost, who was busy looking at the framed headline of the pudding incident of '95, "Don't you think it'd be a good idea to put me on this case?"

Lolo paused, thinking, and threw up a bit in her mouth at the idea of Spencer in a cop hat. "I don't know if you're cut out for it. We already have a Paranormal Investigator on the case."

Spencer glanced over at the framed movie case of an autographed copy of Paranorman in Blue Ray HD.

"Who?" he demanded. "Who could be better fit to take this case than me?"

Suddenly, Dib Membrane bursted through the backdoor, coattails flying everywhere. Every girl in the station began menstruating simultaneously. He put his hands on his hips and his hair thing whipped back and forth until the door was shut and then everything seemed to stop. Spencer could feel his heart beating in his throat. This motherfucker was going to take his case!

Lolo bounced over to him, fat rolls jiggling. She puffed up her lips, "Oh, Dib! Thank god you're here!" she said, blood dripping onto the floor, as she had forgotten to put on underwear that morning.

He pushed her aside. "Show me the evidence," he demanded, going over to the monitors.

"NO!" Spencer yelled, jumping out of his seat. Everyone, including BJC, who was stuffing his invisible mouth with dunkin donuts, looked over at him. "I should take this case!"

Everyone started laughing at him and pointing, except Dib, who was backing away from the growing puddle of blood. The distinct smell of period blood had infiltrated his nostrils and images of the last time he'd taken a case at the Beverly Heights Police Station flashed in his brain.

"You can have the case!" Dib yelled, running for his life out the back door, already broken on the inside.

Lolo cried and chased him. "Dibbeh, no!" But it was too late!

"Yes!" Spencer cried, finally feeling like his life wasn't meaningless. He took his bottle of prozac out of his coat pocket and drop kicked it out the window. He was free.

Lolo had no choice but to finally give him his badge, then grabbed his shirt, and pulled him in close. "If you fuck this up," she said, pausing to take a drag on her cigarette, "you'll be out of here forever!"

Spencer considered the risk quietly to himself before he nodded to her in acceptance. "I understand," he said, grinning. He figured since he had some of Billy Joe's gear, it would be easy to find his disgusting body. Oh how wrong he was.

BJC's jaw dropped and all the donuts fell out. He began scooping each one up like a newborn child and sobbed at his loss. Rajeev, seeing this, dove for the donuts, and began swallowing them whole. "5 SECOND RULE!" he all but screamed.

Spencer began throwing files off his desk to make room for his case, then grabbed the evidence, contaminating it, and headed for the door, grabbing cop car keys on his way out. Billy's ghost followed suit.

Lolo shook her head, and her whole body began to fill with regret of the life she had lived.

"Wait for me, bros!" Rajeev called, running for the door, in his high pitched, screechy voice. Spencer and Billy stopped in the doorway, and looked back, light from outside shining against them, casting epic silhouettes. "I'm coming too!"

Spencer looked over at Billy, who was a bit weary of this idea. If Rajeev came, that meant they wouldn't have brolone time together, but before he could say anything, Spencer agreed.

Rajeev took out his handgun from his belt and began shooting for no reason. "Whoo! Broad trip!" He yelled, running for cop car #1.

Spencer and Billy followed, less enthusiastically, and exchanged glances of lust before getting in and phasing into the cop car. On the dashboard was a laminated copy of the pudding accident of '59 article. Spencer tried not to look directly at it as he started the car. Rajeev put up some fuzzy dice on the rearview mirror, Billy tantalized by their similarity to testicals, before he smacked them down like he would a drunk hooker.

They began to drive down the shitty streets of the city off into the sunrise.

Meanwhile

"Shanilla! Bring the body into the light so I see it!" a mysterious voice boomed. It was not Morgan Freeman.

"Yes, master," the soft and timid voice of Shanilla replied. She began to lug the heavy, and bloated with drugs body into the middle of the room.

"Ah yes, very good, my pet," the same voice said from the dark corner. A dog treat was thrown to the girl, which she scampered to pick up, and then ate ravegly. The person in the corner stood and walked around the body, examining it for fakeness. "We've done it!" She cried, "Billy Joe Cobra's body is now mine!"

From her dress she pulled an XXL Magnum buttplug, causing Shanilla to gasp and cower, and then lifted the body of the late popstar, and began cackling. "I have some wicked ideas for you, B. Joe Co."

As she began to shove it in his ancient butthole, she began to softly sing his latest love song, How Can I Live Without Me?

to be continued...

* * *

AN: plz no haters, this is our first fic!


	2. Down, into the Darkness

"Summer I was eight year's old… I came for the first time."

The movie, Mysterious Skin, played on the huge screen of the drive-in movie cinima. Billy, Spencer, and Rajeev, who was passed out drunk in the backseat, were all in the car, watching as young Joseph Gordon-Levitt jacked off on screen. Billy had tears in his eyes, Spencer was unimpressed with the cinimatography. Not ten minutes later Billy was in tears.

He turned to Spencer, eyes blurred with ectotears, "Could he be the devil?" He asked Spencer, reffering to the scene in the movie. It was halloween night, and Brian Lacky was wearing his satan costume.

Spencer turned to him, eyes wide, face blank, and stared into Billy's ghost's soul. "Yes. He is the Devil."

People in neighboring cars got out in protest of the Devil and began thrusting their symbols of religious affiliation at the screen. By the time they were done and had left, the only other car in the lot besides Spencer's cop car, was a conspiciously alien looking veihicle next to them, where two unknown people were doing it.

Spencer and Billy could hear them from inside their car.

"Filthy human! Suck harder!"

"Zim, stop yelling, you're going to get us arrested!"  
"YES! I AM ZIM!"

They had gotten turned on by the movie. Spencer himself found the film to be a bit erotic. He covered his eyes as he glanced down at his crotch, just like Professor Sycamore. The daily grind.

Rajeev woke then, screaming something about his little lost donut. Spencer looked back at his little brown brother, eyes wide with shock. _Not again._

_He rubbed h_is eyes. "Shouldn't we get back to the case?" He asked, like one of those boy from peter pan.

Billy whipped out a guitar then, and began strumming it. "This song is for my little invisible buddy..." He then began to sing Sexy Naughty Bitchy Me for spencer and Rajeev, but mostly for Rajeev.

[Chorus]

I pick all my skirts to be a little too sexy

Just like all of my thoughts they always get a bit naughty

When I'm out with my girls I always play a bit bitchy

Can't change the way I am sexy naughty bitchy me

I'm the kind of girl that girls don't like

I'm the kind that boys fantasize

I'm the kind that your momma and your daddy were afraid you'd turn out to be like

I may seem unapproachable but that's only to the boys who don't have the

Right a approach or ride that makes a girl like me wanna hop in and roll

People think it's intimidating when a girl is cool with her sexuality I'm a 180 to the stereotype girls like staying home and being innocent

[Chorus]

My mouth never takes a holiday

I always shock with the things I say

I was always the kid in school who turned up to each class bout an hour late and when it came to the guys I'd lay, I'd always pick the ones who wont figure out that I am clearly a rebel to the idea of monogamy

People think it's intimidating when a girl is cool with her sexuality I'm a 180 to the stereotype girls like staying home and being innocent

[Chorus]

Sexy... naughty... bitchy...me

People think it's intimidating when a girl is cool with her sexuality I'm a 180 to the stereotype girls like staying home and being innocent

[Chorus]

I like all of my shorts to be a little too shortly

Unlike all of my guys I like them tall with money

I love all of my nights to end a little bit nasty

Can't change the way I am sexy naughty bitchy me

I pick my skirts to be sexy

Just like my thoughts a bit naughty

When I'm out with my girls ...bitchy

Can't change I am

Sexy naughty bitchy me-"

BJC suddenly began screaming, and dropped his guitar. "My butthole!" He shrieked. "My ancient, ghostly butthole!" Somewhere in America, Danny Fenton cringed and decided to never again eat peanut butter. Smooth peanut butter.

"What's wrong?!" Spencer asked, woken from his daze of imagining those dogs from before. "What's with your butthole?"

Billy instantly dropped his ghostly drawers and exposed his undead ass to the whole world. Spencer and Rajeev stared in awe. From his pocket, Spencer drew a ruler and measured the diamiter and radius of Billy's huge butthole, which seemed to just get wider and wider. He then pulled out a calculator and began to calculate the circumferance of the butthole.

"It's huge!" Rajeev exclaimed, sticking his head inside. "Why is it stretching so?"

"It must be my body!" Billy cried in pain. "Something must be stretching my body's butthole!"

Spencer returned the calculator and rule to his pocket and sat up facing them with deadly seriousness. "This is very bad," he said, "if Billy's butthole continues to expand exponentually at this rate, then he'll be split in two down the middle by the time we catch this graverobber."

"HOLY SHIT!" Rajeev screamed. He pulled out his gun, but Spencer managed to snatch it away before he could start shooting for no reason. "We'd better get a move on!"

"Agreed," spencer agreed. "B. Joe Co, where should we look first?"

Billy stop crying in agony for a moment to put his hand to his chin, making the sign 'lesbian' in ASL, to think. "San Francisco!" He said. "That's where I scored the loudest weed I ever smoked!"

The cop car then roared to life, as Spencer turned the ignition and started the car. They vroomed out of the lot, leaving the one alien car there to rock back and forth rhythmically throughout the last half hour of the movie.

On the road, Billy continued to shriek like a little bitch about his sore and aching ass. "I can't take this much longer, bros," said he, "I'm going to turn into a goop of ecto if I don't get something for this here pain."

"Here!" Rajeev exclaimed, passing him molly he stole from a crime scene. "This'll ensure a rip snortin' good time!"

BJC didn't hesitate to take it, and they drove on through the desert of life toward San Fran. Rajeev, bored, called an asian sex phone line and proceeded to chat it up with a female operator until he passed out in the back seat. Spencer drove on, unphased by all this drug abuse and sex trafficing going on in the car. He was wide awake with withdrawal from his prozak.

BJC, not ten minutes after using up all Rajeev's molly, sat rather stilly in the back, hugging his knees to his chest. Spencer glanced back at him through the rear view mirror, giving him a sly smirk since Rajeev was sleeping butt to face, and drooling on the armrest.

BJC hardly noticed, and began laughing maniacally. "There are wasps in my brain!" He proclaimed, clutching his ghost head. He frothed at the mouth and wriggled on the seats, as he proceeded to flip the fuck out.

"Billy, Billy, are you okay?" Spencer asked, wondering if he should pull over. The molly seemed to have been too much for the late popstar.

"I CAN SEE IT!" billy screamed, sitting up. "I CAN SEE MY BODY! ITS IN- ITS IN A DARK ROOM! FULL OF DARKNESS!"

Spencer continued driving down the highway, but with now only one hand, and leaned over the back of his seat to watch Billy in the back flip his shit. It was really entertaining.

"I CAN SEE MY BUTTHOLE!" Billy continued. "I SEE IT! I CAN SEE OUT MY BUTTHOLE!"

Spencer reached for the glove compartment to get his old shitty camcorder. He had to get photage of this. Fuck dogs screwing outside his ratty old apartment, this was COMEDY GOLD. He began filming.

Billy was now in a trance-like state, screaming about being an eye out his butthole. "I SEE HER! I SEE HER THROUGH MY BUTTHOLE'S EYE!"

"See who?" Spencer asked. "Who is it?"

"I… I CAN'T TELL! THERE'S SOMETHING BLOCKING MY VIEW!" Billy then became incoheriant with blabber and passed out, surely overdosing had he been still alive. It was a strange night for all of them.

Spencer, eventually tired for the constant strain of just living life, had to stop at a shitty motel by the side of the road before they could reach San Fran. He got them a room and then carried in Billy's ghost because he would feel bad about missing such an oppurtunity as to pleasure himself with Billy's vapid ghost body while Billy was asleep.

He left Rajeev in the car to die.

Spencer went ahead and tucked billy in, making sure his ghost was comfortable, and placed every pillow available in the motel room under Billy's butt to make sure his butthole was properly elevated. He himself then got in bed next to him, and sighed, looking up at the ceiling as he thought to himself about this hole ordeal. It seemed like just last week spencer was ten years old and instead getting the pony he always wanted, he was stuck with the ghost of his shitty, alienated second cousin. He smiled to himself, remembering that that was the time when the ectofeature was just beginning to take hold.

He turned on his side to face billy and watched him sleeping silently, butthole whistling. Spencer put a single arm around him, but it just phased through. He wondered sometimes if it would just be easier to be a ghost himself.

In the motel room next door, two people who had gotten in late we're now screaming their butts off at each other about a broken condom they found outside on the ground. And Sanic Peen. THey then proceeded to violently fuck each other against the wall they shared with Spencer's room while yelling "Ah yeah! Sanic peen! Sanic peen, so fast! Sanic peen me so fast!"

Spencer could not sleep a wink.

In the morning, the local police in the area had already shown up, and were removing the mutilated bodies of the room nextdoor. That morning's newspaper headline was a simple "Young Couple Sanic Peen 2 Fast, Estimated 23 Dead" The police didn't know it yet, but another 50 lay wounded.

Spencer sat up and rubbed his eyes, then glanced over at BJC's ghost, which was still asleep. He went to wake him up, but discovered something odd. The pillows from the night before weren't under his butthole where he left them, they were just gone. He wondered if he should file a report on some kidnapped pillows or not but decided against it. The police already had their hands full with the mess caused by that couple.

Disgusting.

Spencer went to make coffee for them. From the kitchen, he heard Billy's ghost moan in his sleep. Spencer turned, and looked back at his second cousin, worried at first, but then he realized he was just having a wet dream. Little did he know the same person who'd jacked Billy's body was now jacking him OFF.

He turned back away to continue making the breaky, when suddenly, he felt something hard against his ass. When he turned his gays, he found Billy's ghost rock hard ghostly dick out there in the open. It was huge, and dripping. Hairy like a shower drain. Just the way he liked it.

"Billy?" He asked, looking up.

"No." He shushed him, using his dick as a finger to the lips.

Spencer stared at it, still on his mouth, then looked back up at Billy. "But what about breakfast?" He asked.

Billy thought to himself. "Fuck it."

Before he knew what was going on, Billy had scooped Spencer up by the fat of his neck and deposited him on the motel bed, where the pillows used to be for his gaping butthole. Billy took Spencer's face in his hands, cupping him sexually, and planted a hungry kiss on his fucking mouth. WHY TARGET?

The two made out on the filth-ridden bed, finally pushing past the sexual tension between the two second cousins. Now that they were older, and alone, they could finally be together. Billy pinned Spencer's hands behind his head, and turned his own head to deepen the kiss. Spencer moaned into him and saliva dripped down his throat. Billy quickly slurped it all back up. Couldn't have Spencer going all ecto on him right now.

"Uhg," Spencer moaned, "God dammit, Cobra, just do me now!"

"Working on it, bad-bro-pun."

"God, I've been waiting for this for years!" Since the 3rd grade to be exact.

"Shh." Billy replied, undoing Spencer's pants. "Angel."

Spencer undid Billy's pants, and placed his hands on his cold, undead ass, fingers accidentally going in his stretched butthole. He didn't mind.

BJC had just whipped out Spencer's meat sword when suddenly the door Flew open, and Rajeev stood there, legs spread in a gay pose.

"Sup, my faggs!" He said, striding in, slamming the door behind him. "I have the cra-aziest dream last night!"

Spencer quickly pushed BJC off of him and onto the floor, and tried to zip up his pants, but his zipper was caught on his dick. "Don't tell me, it was about Lolo's sweaty vagina again, wasn't it?"

"Not even! I was in the cop car alone, and I saw these really metrosexual guys enter the motel room next to you! One was wearing a stylish bib. They were totally about to Sanic Peen! Can you believe that?"

Spencer sat up. "Oh fuck, that's right, the case!" He said, remembering. "Rajeev, forget your stupid Sanic dream, we gotta move! Now! Time is running out!"

"Does this mean I have to get rid of this broner all by myself?"Billy whispered in Spencer's ear, sensually.

"This is no time for broners! Screw broners!" Rajeev screamed, running back out to the cop car. "Death to broners!"

Spencer and Billy looked at each other for a split second of sexual tension, before looking away again.

"We'd better go," Spencer said, rubbing his neck as he blushed a faint pink.

"Yeah."


End file.
